It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
